current mood:

:cry:

You know you're night is going to go great when the first news you get from your nasty ex girlfriend (who loves to stir drama), is that your psycho ex boyfriend from over a year ago has commited suicide and is dead... Gee thank you for that bit of info... that totally is what I needed to hear to make sure I have a great time at the halloween party.

The night just seemed to get progressively worse as well. I volunteered to be the kitchen bitch because I like cooking, and I'm good at organizing that sort of thing. I put a lot of effort into it, but it seemed I was stuck in there for hours and could only leave for 10 minutes or so before the place turned into a disaster. Its a potluck  as well so people brought a shitload of food. The last party nobody really brought anything... But anyway... I digress....

I was getting really tired having been setting up since 3pm and it was now after 9pm... My helper never showed up so I was left alone. Thanks to my lovely fellow Darklings who helped out I wasn't stuck there all night. When I did get to go wander and try and socialize I got more bummed out because everybody seemed busy. My one friend didn't seem to want to do much but sit and watch people dance... I was worried he wasn't having a good time either...  My mood progressively got worse as the night went on... I just wanted to find some cute nice guy to make out with. One of my fellow Darklings asked why I was bummed and I told her the reason. She hooked me up with her other boyfriend (She's polyamorous and he told me later they are just friends and not a couple) and he was sweating me I guess anyway (I looked good in my cocktail bunny costume), so we went off to talk a bit and get to know each other... We started making out and it was what I needed. There was no expecations on my part, I just wanted some attention and to feel attractive and desireable. Well the fellow Darkling who hooked me up with him decided to join in. I didn't know that was going to be going on... I told her as politely as I could that I am not comfortable playing with girls. Just not my thing... I think she took it the wrong way because she just basicly pushed me aside and started making out with the guy as if I didn't exist at all. My thought was "Fuck this..." and I grabbed my shoes and bunny ears and walked off...

That really put me in a dark mood. I felt 2nd best to everyone... alienated... humiliated... and extremely alone. I went back downstairs to hang with my good bud Kes (he's my savior) while he vended and tried not to cry. (I was almost successfull but at least it didn't last long) Darklady tried cheering me up a bit with a hug and was understanding after hearing what happened... She's awesome. Vanessa another very good friend let me vent a bit... which really helped. 

The night wasn't a total bust however... I did get a nice flogging in the kinky play space in the main party hall from Kes...Got my pic taken with my friend Samuel...and after most of the people left I felt in a little bit better mood.

Today is a different story however. I got woken up at 7:30am (I went to bed at 4) and can't get back to sleep... and I have to go back to the party venue at noon to clean up the horror that is the kitchen. I just want to cry but am not going to let myself... I  feel like a single loser that can only get guys who just want to fuck me because they are desperate...:( 

...or better yet don't fucking use it cuz DAMN...

When you put on so much that your "perfume" forces the gag reflex and they can taste it, you deserve to be bitch slapped. Cologne or perfume was not meant to mask the stench of your seeping under arm glands and stanky crotch rot. You only need one squirt of a cheap cologne or perfume (body sprays are usually weaker I've noticed) to be perfectly stinklicious without overpowering the people in the next county. And I'm sorry guys but the "come fuck me" colognes don't work. If you want to smell sexy you need to spend more money and get something non-eyewatering.

And bathing can work wonders... Oh yeah and deodorant is a plus.

Today I got an instant message from somebody who saw my profile on bondage.com. He only messaged me to tell me how I'm limiting myself because I have standards. Every person has standards to some degree. I have mine. I didn't come to the decisions lightly and it really chaps my hide when people assume that because I'm only 25 that I don't have the ability to think or to reason.  I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything. Nobody does! We have to keep learning as we go and never stop that process. I haven't stopped and sure as hell won't till I'm pushing up daisies.

This guy was basicly telling me that I'm limiting myself and will only get players. At least that is what I think he was trying to say. The inability to spell correctly or use punctuation made me have to translate his sentences. (If you can't communicate effectively by writing then don't do it! Use another form of communication.)
I tried to explain my point of view, but he wouldn't listen.  He ended up telling me (basicly) that I'm ugly because I won't seriously date a guy 20+ years my senior who's a very large guy. (funny thing is he's 44 and a large man. Go figure.)

My reasons behind this are as follows-

1: I'm a big girl. My hips dislocate. I've tried to have sex with bigger men and honestly its not pleasurable. I can't ride him, and of the MANY large men I've been interested in, the penis wasn't long enough to overcome the belly and get in the hole no matter what position. This is blunt I know... but I'm an honest woman. I dated a man with this problem for 9 months... I was miserable and never satisfied.  The disatisfaction bled over into other aspects of our relationship and it ended... badly. Why would I put myself through that sort of thing again? Why would the man want to be with me knowing he can't give me the satisfaction I need?

2: My ideal choice for a ltr would be someone closer to my age. I want to marry and have kids some day (if I'm able). Do the math.. I'm 25... by the time I'm 45 he'd be 65... Do I really need to explain my reasoning further?

I really wish that before people judge me to be shallow and unthinking that they'd get to know me first. Don't push your views on me and ask questions later. Its no different then telling me I'm going to hell because I'm not christian.

Sure there are a lot of shallow people out there. I deal with them daily. I'm a "fat chick" and that gets me more bs than anything. Its not socially acceptable to be a "fat chick" in our society. I fail to make the grade and fit into many men's standards for women. At least the physical standards. Its a fact of life and I've learned to just deal with it as painfull as it can be. I try to look at the person inside and not just the package. Everyone looks at the packaging to some extent. If they say they don't they are lying. Everyone knows what they find physically attractive and that's that. The average person may not like a fat chick, but there are those that do. Just like there are those that like hairy men, or skinny people, or big noses.

I'm never quite sure why my family decides to take trips together. They always end up the same... no matter how many times we attempt it.

My Uncle Joe lives in Seattle. He's not really my uncle, but he's been a friend of the family on my Grandmother's side since time began. He's got to be the most generous, kind hearted, and loving man I've ever met. He's a world war 2 vet... So he has stories and unfortunately a dislike for japanese cars and food. Its understandable I guess. He did get shot by some japanese soldier in the war. He's not outwardly racist however. Which is a good thing. Also note that he's pure Italian.

So anyway we drove up to Seattle from Porkland (3 hours of driving). I rode with my parents in their suburban with my Gramma and my grandfather. My Aunt and 2 cousins... along with my aunts mongoloid boyfriend who I can't stand, followed in her car.  We made it to Seattle without incident. We even managed to find Uncle Joe's house without getting lost. And this is no easy feit in Seattle. The traffic sucks and the road system is fubar.

We had a great visit. Uncle Joe is a total character and always has to give people presents. Aunt Alice kept setting out food. She had this cheese that was so damn good (I'm a cheezeaholic and so is my dad and grandmother. I was fucked geneticly from the get go) and I ate way too much of it. Luckily I countered all the dairy with too many biscoti and a shit load of tasty beverages over a 4 hour period while Uncle Joe entertained us with his sense of humor. All and all we had fun. Then came the car ride home...

My grandfather is an alchoholic. Even though he rarely drinks now, he's still one. He had 2 very strong drinks during the visit. When he drinks he's either very happy... or a total beligerent asshole. Not 10 minutes from Uncle Joe's house  the asshole emerged. My mom and I still can't figure out what triggered it. My dad says it wasn't anything but the booze making my grandfather "get a big dick".  My grandfather repeatedly threatened to kick my Dad's ass and wouldn't stop yelling at him and my grandma... so my dad pulled over and told him to get the hell out of the car.... he ended up riding with my aunt.

Our family outings almost always end this way. Every time we say "never again" yet a few years later we attempt it with happy thoughts only to learn the lesson all over. I've since come to the conclusion that we are all masochists with an addiction to Holland Gouda.

Damn that was good cheese.

Current mood :shock:

So today I'm totally freakin' exhausted after working over 10 hours... I thought doing the double shift thing would not be so bad. But I was wrong. I need the hours though and the money those hours bring in.

Basicly I drive the public transit buses that haul around the handicapped and disabled people of Porkland. So I get the elderly, disabled, the mentally handicapped... you name it. Most of the people are pretty cool. I can tollerate the one guy on my bus during my morning route even though he's a screamer.  I guess I piss him off every day, because his care providers told me that he gets angry. They don't know what he gets angry about because when they ask him he  just goes silent. He's sorta non verbal.  Though I think I did hear him call me a fucker amongst the garbled yelling.

What I cannot tollerate however... is singing. And today I had to pick up this person at a university on the westide of town.  When I say westside I mean westside of the Willamette river... and if anyone is from Portland you know its not easy south of the Ross Island bridge... because there are no bridges really. Anyway I had to go to Lake No Negro and pick up this chick. She gets on the bus and immediately starts singing to the radio via headphones. I have to take this woman all the way to freakin' Troutdale which is on the east side of the Willamette river and out near the Columbia River Gorge. I'm talking a long distance here... during rush hour traffic no less. By the time I got her to the drop off in Troutdale I was so annoyed I wanted to beat hit her with the tire thumper. The only thing that kept me sane was the loud diesel engine, freeway road noise, and the lift rattling like mad over bumps... it drowned out the singing...

and what is the worst part... I can't tell what her handicap/disablement was that made her eligable to even ride the lift bus in the first place... But alas Its now after 7pm and I'm dead tired. Soon as I'm done eating my tacos... I'm going to become comatose.

I've come to the conclusion that the Universe has decided to take a royal ass dump on me this weekend. Usually when this happens it means its trying to tell you something important and you haven't been listening. So  "FLUMP" there's the shit and now you're wearing it. 

Years ago I never listened closely to the signs that I was doing stupid shit and needed to learn a lesson. In the past year I've discovered that when you are on the wrong track in your life... the universe is quick to correct you...  Usually by inflicting mental anguish. This weekend has been one of those.

Hopefully I'm right in assuming that the reason I got stood up on friday night is because that person isn't right for me. And the reason I found out today the other person I had some interest in has a girlfriend and just didn't want to tell me, was because I need to be more selective. I've been single for a freakin' year and thought I was being selective... well the Universe has decided I'm not I guess... WOOHOO Lucky me lol.

I hate crying... I hate feeling depressed. I REALLY hate feeling unattractive and undateworthy. This weekend I've felt all of the above. But ya know what? I listened and washed the universal dump off and now I'm ready to be my usual wacky self.

Now if only I could find something to keep me entertained the rest of my weekend...

... when I never actually get to go on the date. Is there something so fucking wrong with me that I always get stood up? I haven't found out the excuse yet but I'm not going to be suprised if its lame. I'm damn near 26 years old and I've yet to go on a real date. You know the kind where the guy shows up and you have great conversation (Hell I'd even take shitty conversation) and at least you got out on a friday night even if it didn't turn out how you wanted it. That would be oh so much better than sitting at home wondering if he remembered, or is flaking on you, etc etc. Don't tell me I'm hot and your "dream girl" if you just aren't interested.

People ask me why I've stayed single for so long... well THAT is the reason. If good guys really fucking exist out there... send them to Portland... make sure they like big titted tomboy girls who can suck the spots off a dalmation, and who don't play games... Cuz I sure as hell can't find anyone worthy of my affections here. 

I'm almost hoping his excuse is good... but then I'd ask myself "am I being guilable again?" So the next question would be... "should I bother giving a 2nd chance?" I don't want to be made an ass of anymore than I already have.