That's basicly my feeling right now. I'm battling depression and feeling pretty unsexy at the moment. The past 3 weeks have been weird. I got some sort of bug on the 6th. By 5pm that thursday I was feverish, feeling chilled to the bone, and puking up everything my stomach was given. Water wouldn't even stay down. By Saturday the intestinal disfunction kicked in. I woke up and got some water because by then the fever left me desperately thirsty. After about 20 minutes I realized I better make it to the bathroom before I lost it. So then began the shit storm from hell. Of course my stomach was still woozy... the fact that I had the shits made me puke... Its NOT fun to be crapping out your entire lower intestine, and puking into the bathroom trash can all at the same time. I don't recomend this to anyone. Not even as a punishment to your worst enemy.

But all that passed.  Thank fucking god. After I got well its been nothing but work work work. Oh and being flaked on. At least I think Harrison has flaked on me. Before he'd actually call me back, but since I told him that i'm interested in him on Monday, not a single call. Left 2 messages, but no response. I'm not naive. I've been blown off. Hence the depression.

Its not like I was asking for a relationship, I just wanted to know if he was at all interested.  Yeah I'm a fat ass, and I'm not that cute, I know this. I just think I deserve to be told the truth, rather than be spared hurt feelings. I get MORE hurt and angry if someone flat out lies to me.

I just don't understand guys. I mean most guys won't talk on the phone with anyone for hours unless they were interested... so if he's not at all interested, why go thru all that effort with me? I mean its not like he was getting sex.

My thoughts at this moment are just "What the fuck?"

"u want to get laid? name the time and place, I'm there, and you won't even have to pay"

I know this guy is probably serious in his offer of sex in h is comment to my last post. But I have news for ya buddy. I'm neither desperate, or easy, and your offer only makes me laugh. This is me laughing... Muahaha.... MUAHAHAHAHAHA! 

There is only one person I have the desire to copulate with, and you're not him. My suggestion to you is to get a book on pickup lines or something and do some research. Your first approach needs some work... cuz damn.

In other news I spent yesterday feeling totally puketastic. I'm thinking the culprit was the Whopper no onion or tomato heavy pickle that I had the night before. It h ad way too much mayo on it. I blame Harrison for talking about "special sauce" in his gay man lisp while I was ordering for us. His comments probably offended someone listening to the orders so they added a bit of extra "love" to my Whopper.  :shock:  There is nothing like waking up in the moring and vomiting your brains out until your stomach has emptied everything that could have possibly been in it for the last century. And of course when you tell your job you think you have food poisoning they really never believe you.

Ug...

Seriously it must have fallen out when I woke up at 3:30am. The offical Asscrack before dawn wake up time. Then I call to see what my exact sign in time is, and find out its 5:fuckin'30. So here I am running on 4 hours sleep cuz I stayed up too late talking to Harrison, because I couldn't sleep... when I could have been sleeping in an extra 30 minutes. Even that small amount of time can make a huge difference when you get up at the time I usually do during the week.

I really hope I get a bus with a radio today. That and my only other wish is to get laid... oh and a pair of new jeans. But those will have to wait till friday when payday rolls around. The jeans that is... not the getting laid part. I'm not gonna pay for sex you pervs.

:shock:

Happy fuckin' new year.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way... I'm bored. Bored beyond belief or imagination. I can't find my damn pebbleboard so I can't work on an oil pastel drawing that's been lurking in my brain for a week, nor can I find the silver back scratchboard I know I bought. I mean if I missplaced that shit I'm gonna be ANGRY!!!!... Its expensive as hell.

I'm horny and masturbation just isn't cutting it anymore. Now you know you're pathetic when you've reached that point. A nympho who has standards and won't fuck anything that says "yes". The skanky bitches have it so easy. They don't care who they fuck or who's heart they break.

So yeah my new year sorta sucked anal drippage. The hostess of the Darklady parties (The Dark One herself) had an ovarian cyst burst on nye afternoon so was at hospital all day. She made it to the party at like 10 or something and was obviously wore out. Everyone had a great time so I guess the party was the shit. Not that I noticed. I was busy being bored and semi-miserable. I watched an elfin like drunk chick with a huge-o-mungous strapon run around making exagerated groin action at the crowd and yelling "oh yeah!" and "Who wants my cock" or something to that extent. And then my friend V was showing everyone exactly what a hot lesbian action scene is with two other chicks on the casting couch. She really should record and market that shit... oh yeah and hire me as her personal manager hehe... But yeah... no hot action for the spunky one. I got to grope Grimster's butt and look up his utili-kilt cuz he's cool as hell... but that was about it really. After the bell tolled and all the happy couples kissed in the new year... I fucking left. Its definetly not fun being single at the zero hour of the new year.

And its really sad when the only thing I really have to look forward to today is spending my $50 Costco gift card my employer gave me. Oh yeah... its so much fun to wade thru the herd of cattle lined up for the free food samples... MOO!

And a new year means everyone will be thinking up their new years resolutions. Mine is simple. Lose weight (cuz everyone wants that right?) and just find happiness. Sounds simple... but its fucking not. Why do I always choose the hard shit!?

So anyway my christmas was pretty shitty. I had to work both days that all the other people have off. I missed out on christmas with my whole family and didn't get to give my year and a half old niece her present. That really bummed me out. I did have a nice christmas eve dinner with my parental units however. So it wasn't totally shitty. Only moderately so.

Its 4:30pm on Dec 30th, 2004 and all I've done today was work my am route, clean my apartment, and dispose of my no longer piney fresh christmas tree. Not too many people know this, but I really fucking hate spiders. My tree was full of them. The little bastards were breeding merrily in the warmth of the x-mas lights and decorations. It was all I could do not to scream like a mad woman while dragging the corpse of my tree halfway across the fucking complex. Did I mention I'm only 5'3" and the tree is a lot taller than me? I bet I loked like a midget lumberjack. Luckily I'm not weak or a wimp cuz the damn thing was heavy. I immediately came in and took a nice, long, hot shower... just in case one of the spiders decided my long hair would be a good residence. *shudder*

In other news my brother is a daddy for the 2nd time as of Tuesday. Maegan was born at like 8am something and was 6lbs 2oz I believe. I haven't gotten to go see her yet, but hopefully next week when my bro isn't working I can make it out to Sandy.

Its been too long since I blogged. I really should do it more often so I don't have to play catch up. So yeah I met a cool guy yesterday. I was nervous as hell but he's pretty laid back so it was all good. Yesterday rocked except for one thing.  After subjecting him to Wesley Willis my cd player in my car decided to eat the cd. Its now stuck in there, won't eject, and wont' play. It says "CD in", but when you try to play it it says "no disc"... So H (i'll leave his name out for now) fiddled with my knobs *snicker* but couldn't get it out either.  It would be pretty fucked up if it suddenly started working again and just happened to play the song "Fuck You"... that's all I need to hear is the voice of a retarded black man from Chicago mocking me thru my car stereo.

I highly recomend any of his cd's. He's got like 100 or something. The first time you listen to him you'll laugh so hard your bowels will give way. *evil grin*

Now I must go finish making soup.

Well today I turned 26 freakin' years old. Yay for me. I'm tired as fuck and haven't gotten enough sleep this week at all because I've been working too many hours. Like yesterday for example. I worked my morning route, then had to come back and work an afternoon. All was going fine even though I had a bus with no fucking radio and a shitload of dead miles in between a few stops... At one of my last handfull of stops one of my customers decides to give me an early birthday present...

I had just started unhooking the back securement straps on this one woman's chair when "sploosh" a flood of urine washes down from the very back of the bus and over the securements I had just taken off the front of her chair... So now they are nice and soggy, and smell urinetastic. The guy who caused said flood was pretty much oblivious. He sat in his man made lake asking questions about going to the store. I was still in shock over the sudden flooding so I didn't say shit back to him.

Doing what I was taught I called dispatch to let them know I had a situation. My dispatch guy proceeded to tell me  to "Do what you gotta do"... My immediate response was "no you don't understand... I need a MOP!"... I don't know, maybe I didn't make it clear enough to him, cuz I had 4 fucking paper towels left and a flood in my bus. Thank god for rubber gloves.

Long story short by the time I got back to the yard it was almost 7pm. (Note that my morning shift starts before 5am and my ass has to get up at 3:30am.) I had to scrub the bus with hospital disinfectant and mop the bastard out. I saturated those seatbelts and seat he was sitting in to make sure it was sanitary, but I really doubt the person who had the bus the next morning would enjoy hearing "my seatbelt is soggy" hehehe...

So after my all too short nap I'm gonna go hang with friends and get drunk. Yay booze! Its been 2 years, and after a week like this one, dammit I deserve it.

Being blessed with high amounts of insulin in my blood constantly, I get to have headaches on a regular basis. Like today for instance. After  a healthy lunch of salad with, you guessed it, leftover thanksgiving turkey, my body decided it wanted more sugar/carbs. When this happens I get this serious craving for chocolate, bread, icecream, or just anything with fucking processed sugars. (Insulin is supposed to BALANCE the amount of glucose in your blood, but with me, its always out of balance) If I don't give into this craving the headaches start. I've been trying to be good and sticking to my diet of fresh veggies, fruit, low fat meats and other low carb goodness... If I don't stick to that sort of diet I get lathargic, gain a shitload of weight, and feel like a turd.  After thanksgiving that all went to shit. Nobody can pass up my mom's homemade stuffing, and I was no exception.

I fed my fubar body stuffing and it sent me into food coma. Now to get my body used to low sugar/carb crap again I must try to fight the cravings... By 3pm my head hurt so bad that even advil wouldn't help. I gave in and bought some oreos. I haven't eaten oreos in like a year.  When I was a kid oreos and milk were one of my favs. I know they are full of shit that is not good for you, but dammit I wanted oreos and milk today. I limited myself to 6 cookies so I don't feel quite so bad. As a kid I could have eaten half the package. 

My headache has now simmered down to a low throb and my craving has been sated. People who don't have to be carefull of what they eat are lucky bastards. Just looking at the package of oreos on the shelf made my ass bigger by osmosis.

Some people call it being "endowed"... but what I want to know is, why does this so called endowment have to be a pain in my neck. Litteraly! Every small boobed woman should consider herself lucky.

On a daily basis I have to put up with neck pain, sore shoulder muscles, and an empty pocket book. Bras for a DD chica like myself cost a fortune. And you can't forget that Victoria's Secret doesn't sell bras that actually fit real DD tits. I went there and found a D cup... with so much padding that I'm sure that no D sized titty could fit into comfortably. My nipples started to hurt just looking at the thing.

If you go to a regular department store, the only bras they sell are the ugly white cotton, ultra thick shoulder strap, ugly old lady bras. So I am forced to shop at Lane Bryant. They cater to us fat chicks for our clothing needs (at least dress clothes cuz Torrid has a lot COOLER clothes) yet when you get to the check out they just bend you over and analy rape you without bothering to use lube. I don't know about the rest of you, but shitting normally is a good thing.

The last bras I purchased I lucked out on. I had a coupon to get $25 off a purchase of $75 dollars or more, and bras were buy one get one 1/2 off. A bra that's pretty/sexy, fits decent, and doesn't make my tits look like the tips of cartoon missles cost about $35... Yes that's for 1 bra and that's on the lower end of the cost scale. Plus when you have big gonzagas, bras seem to wear out faster. I have to buy new ones about every 6 months if the underwire doesn't pop out before that and jab my poor sensitive boobie.

So if you have tiny tits and want to bitch and complain and get implants. Think again! Right now my shoulders are so sore that my neck hurts and its giving me a monster headache. And that's just from wearing a demi bra. If I wasn't worried about sagging to my knees by the time I'm 35, or turning to fast and knocking the person next to me out, I'd go braless. Maybe I can find a cute guy who's a total tit lover and have him be my boob holder. Teehee...

 I swear because its thanksgiving tomorrow everyone behind the wheel of an automobile took their brain out and decided to go without intelligence for this 4 day weekend. I needed a cd player really bad. The only thing that would have vented my rage better would be listening to Ministry or even Snot...at FULL VOLUME. I had so many dumbasses pull in front of me, slam on their brakes for no apparent reason, fail to notice lights were RED... I mean the list goes on and on. One fuckass looks right at me as I'm driving down a busy street. I was going the speed limit (well maybe 5 mph over it) and he just pulls out in front of me. He stopped and sat there watching me speed towards him, THEN pulled out at the last possible minute. I had to slam on my breaks and the box of tire chains all the way in the back of the bus slid forward and slammed into the courtesy panel behind my seat. It was all I could do to keep my left hand from hanging out the window with my middle finger pointing skyward in a salute to his idiocy...

When I drive my car I'm very much into gesturing at asshole drivers that piss me off. Its so hard when I'm driving bus to not lay on the horn. I did honk at this one dumb biotch who just randomly swerved into my lane without signaling. I had a customer on the bus who was frail, and when I have to slam on my breaks to avoid a dumbass it really hurts them... We're not supposed to honk angrily at people either. According to our training a "friendly honk of the horn" is what we're supposed to do... Well I gave her a "friendly"  long honk of the horn to let her know she was being a total cockgobbling cum&nbs p;guzzler and that pulling out in front of a 9 ton bus was probably not very smart. If I wasn't so paranoid about getting in an accident on the job I would have turned my brights on and got really close to her rear end so all she could see was my grill in her rear view mirror... But alas... I'm too much a good girl.

Its starting to come clear to me that most men are assholes and the ones that say they are "real" are just lying. Makes me wonder about the bdsm community in general... I was contacted by one of the so called "dominants" from a site (i won't name names) and this guy was charming, seemed intelligent, and right off the bat stated my size didn't matter. I didn't judge him on his appearance. I mean he's a tall skinny guy.  Not like he's the sexiest one i've ever seen. By far he is not, but I was going by what he had to say not his body.  My profile lists my weight. I'm not hiding it at all. I also have a pic up. Its from september so its not old.  This guy asks me to meet him so I said yes. An innocent walk around saturday market. Nice and public. We arrange a place to meet and a time, and he never shows up. I'm assuming since he deleted my email without reading it that he drove by, saw my appearance, and kept on driving.  A REAL man who's not an asshole would at least have stopped, said they were not interested and been kind about it.  I've  had to do that. Its way more considerate than leaving someone standing there for almost an hour.  I know some would say "just lose the weight and then you'll have no problem"... well gee I'm trying and without drugs it just stays steady. Genetic disease, not laziness or a lack of care about my appearance is what's doing it. I used to be curvy as hell and hot but the doctors misdiagnosed me for 12 years and it slowly slipped from my grasp no matter how much I dieted or worked out. (when I was 19 I was at the gym EVERY DAY) Sure I know not everyone is going to find a "fat chick" attractive. They can go pound sand for all I care. Same with the loser who left me standing there waiting.  Let them try to find a sincere chica with bj skills that have been given kudos by 2 gay men (Mr.Oregon Leather 2004 thank you very much) who really know their stuff, who can cook like an italian grandmother, has the sex drive of a nymphomaniac, and is caring, considerate and loving.  Go ahead and go for the girl just on looks alone.  I hope you end up severely dissapointed in the end and treats you like total SHIT.

1 month is all I have to wait to get health insurance back. 1 month and I can finally see my doctor and get back on the hormone meds that helped me drop 40lbs in 3 months before my coverage ended.  When I'm back to my ideal weight and looking like a total hotty, I'll send the assholes a picture of me and show them what they missed out on. Then all the fat haters can have arial intercourse with a rotating pastry.

Someone has to be because damn... Our nation is just sad. Well let me rephrase that... Our LEADER is just plain sad. Anyone who can't think his way out of a piss soaked paper sa ck should not be president. Hell he shouldn't even be allowed to pump his own gas... I'm sure breathing is even difficult for him.

Someone mentioned today that they hope Bush's brother doesn't run in 4 years... If that happens I'm moving to glorious Canada... By then our economy will be nonexistant and everyone but the rich will live in cardboard boxes behind abandoned Walmarts...

My predictions for the next 4 years:

The War in Iraq will still be going on to some extent (And Bush will still pretend its over)

Iraq will have elections but it won't do a damn bit of good

Dick will have a heart attack and die... people will dance on his grave

Bush will give more money to the rich

More jobs will be shipped over seas

The unemployment rates will get worse

Thank you ignorant republican fucks for another 4 years of hell!

Having a job that requires me to drive all day long has exposed me to more idiots on the road than most humanoids experience in their lifetime. I'm going to generalize here so if you fall into the category of some of the people I talk about in this blog... well... tough shit I guess.

Portland gets a lot of rain. This is a well known fact. California gets very little rain. Hell they don't even have storm drains on the streets there. When Californians move to Portland they need to be given training on how to drive in the rain. The first lesson plan should be on "hydroplaning". Its that thing that happens when your car starts sliding because the streets are really fucking wet. That means that you don't have traction, can't stop as quick, and steering is harder. A simple solution to this would be to SLOW THE FUCK DOWN!... oh and don't ride my ass.  The last thing I need is some yuppy bastard assholing my bus with customers on it. I really don't want to expierence a gaggle of mentally handicapped folks having a general freak out attack because you people don't know how to drive. Some of them get excited if they don't get to sit in the same seat every day... So you can imagine what would happen if there was an accident.

And I don't know about other places but red lights mean stop. Green means go and the pedal on the right is the gas. When merging on the damn freeway use the pedal on the right.  Don't take your sweet ass time accelerating so all of us already on the freeway have to brake to avoid you. You have mirrors... utilize them for fuck sake.

Oh yeah... and if you can't even manage to get your big ass SUV into a regular sized parking spot wihtout it taking  you a decade... you shouldn't be driving one...

current mood:

:cry:

You know you're night is going to go great when the first news you get from your nasty ex girlfriend (who loves to stir drama), is that your psycho ex boyfriend from over a year ago has commited suicide and is dead... Gee thank you for that bit of info... that totally is what I needed to hear to make sure I have a great time at the halloween party.

The night just seemed to get progressively worse as well. I volunteered to be the kitchen bitch because I like cooking, and I'm good at organizing that sort of thing. I put a lot of effort into it, but it seemed I was stuck in there for hours and could only leave for 10 minutes or so before the place turned into a disaster. Its a potluck  as well so people brought a shitload of food. The last party nobody really brought anything... But anyway... I digress....

I was getting really tired having been setting up since 3pm and it was now after 9pm... My helper never showed up so I was left alone. Thanks to my lovely fellow Darklings who helped out I wasn't stuck there all night. When I did get to go wander and try and socialize I got more bummed out because everybody seemed busy. My one friend didn't seem to want to do much but sit and watch people dance... I was worried he wasn't having a good time either...  My mood progressively got worse as the night went on... I just wanted to find some cute nice guy to make out with. One of my fellow Darklings asked why I was bummed and I told her the reason. She hooked me up with her other boyfriend (She's polyamorous and he told me later they are just friends and not a couple) and he was sweating me I guess anyway (I looked good in my cocktail bunny costume), so we went off to talk a bit and get to know each other... We started making out and it was what I needed. There was no expecations on my part, I just wanted some attention and to feel attractive and desireable. Well the fellow Darkling who hooked me up with him decided to join in. I didn't know that was going to be going on... I told her as politely as I could that I am not comfortable playing with girls. Just not my thing... I think she took it the wrong way because she just basicly pushed me aside and started making out with the guy as if I didn't exist at all. My thought was "Fuck this..." and I grabbed my shoes and bunny ears and walked off...

That really put me in a dark mood. I felt 2nd best to everyone... alienated... humiliated... and extremely alone. I went back downstairs to hang with my good bud Kes (he's my savior) while he vended and tried not to cry. (I was almost successfull but at least it didn't last long) Darklady tried cheering me up a bit with a hug and was understanding after hearing what happened... She's awesome. Vanessa another very good friend let me vent a bit... which really helped. 

The night wasn't a total bust however... I did get a nice flogging in the kinky play space in the main party hall from Kes...Got my pic taken with my friend Samuel...and after most of the people left I felt in a little bit better mood.

Today is a different story however. I got woken up at 7:30am (I went to bed at 4) and can't get back to sleep... and I have to go back to the party venue at noon to clean up the horror that is the kitchen. I just want to cry but am not going to let myself... I  feel like a single loser that can only get guys who just want to fuck me because they are desperate...:( 

...or better yet don't fucking use it cuz DAMN...

When you put on so much that your "perfume" forces the gag reflex and they can taste it, you deserve to be bitch slapped. Cologne or perfume was not meant to mask the stench of your seeping under arm glands and stanky crotch rot. You only need one squirt of a cheap cologne or perfume (body sprays are usually weaker I've noticed) to be perfectly stinklicious without overpowering the people in the next county. And I'm sorry guys but the "come fuck me" colognes don't work. If you want to smell sexy you need to spend more money and get something non-eyewatering.

And bathing can work wonders... Oh yeah and deodorant is a plus.

Today I got an instant message from somebody who saw my profile on bondage.com. He only messaged me to tell me how I'm limiting myself because I have standards. Every person has standards to some degree. I have mine. I didn't come to the decisions lightly and it really chaps my hide when people assume that because I'm only 25 that I don't have the ability to think or to reason.  I will be the first to admit that I don't know everything. Nobody does! We have to keep learning as we go and never stop that process. I haven't stopped and sure as hell won't till I'm pushing up daisies.

This guy was basicly telling me that I'm limiting myself and will only get players. At least that is what I think he was trying to say. The inability to spell correctly or use punctuation made me have to translate his sentences. (If you can't communicate effectively by writing then don't do it! Use another form of communication.)
I tried to explain my point of view, but he wouldn't listen.  He ended up telling me (basicly) that I'm ugly because I won't seriously date a guy 20+ years my senior who's a very large guy. (funny thing is he's 44 and a large man. Go figure.)

My reasons behind this are as follows-

1: I'm a big girl. My hips dislocate. I've tried to have sex with bigger men and honestly its not pleasurable. I can't ride him, and of the MANY large men I've been interested in, the penis wasn't long enough to overcome the belly and get in the hole no matter what position. This is blunt I know... but I'm an honest woman. I dated a man with this problem for 9 months... I was miserable and never satisfied.  The disatisfaction bled over into other aspects of our relationship and it ended... badly. Why would I put myself through that sort of thing again? Why would the man want to be with me knowing he can't give me the satisfaction I need?

2: My ideal choice for a ltr would be someone closer to my age. I want to marry and have kids some day (if I'm able). Do the math.. I'm 25... by the time I'm 45 he'd be 65... Do I really need to explain my reasoning further?

I really wish that before people judge me to be shallow and unthinking that they'd get to know me first. Don't push your views on me and ask questions later. Its no different then telling me I'm going to hell because I'm not christian.

Sure there are a lot of shallow people out there. I deal with them daily. I'm a "fat chick" and that gets me more bs than anything. Its not socially acceptable to be a "fat chick" in our society. I fail to make the grade and fit into many men's standards for women. At least the physical standards. Its a fact of life and I've learned to just deal with it as painfull as it can be. I try to look at the person inside and not just the package. Everyone looks at the packaging to some extent. If they say they don't they are lying. Everyone knows what they find physically attractive and that's that. The average person may not like a fat chick, but there are those that do. Just like there are those that like hairy men, or skinny people, or big noses.

I'm never quite sure why my family decides to take trips together. They always end up the same... no matter how many times we attempt it.

My Uncle Joe lives in Seattle. He's not really my uncle, but he's been a friend of the family on my Grandmother's side since time began. He's got to be the most generous, kind hearted, and loving man I've ever met. He's a world war 2 vet... So he has stories and unfortunately a dislike for japanese cars and food. Its understandable I guess. He did get shot by some japanese soldier in the war. He's not outwardly racist however. Which is a good thing. Also note that he's pure Italian.

So anyway we drove up to Seattle from Porkland (3 hours of driving). I rode with my parents in their suburban with my Gramma and my grandfather. My Aunt and 2 cousins... along with my aunts mongoloid boyfriend who I can't stand, followed in her car.  We made it to Seattle without incident. We even managed to find Uncle Joe's house without getting lost. And this is no easy feit in Seattle. The traffic sucks and the road system is fubar.

We had a great visit. Uncle Joe is a total character and always has to give people presents. Aunt Alice kept setting out food. She had this cheese that was so damn good (I'm a cheezeaholic and so is my dad and grandmother. I was fucked geneticly from the get go) and I ate way too much of it. Luckily I countered all the dairy with too many biscoti and a shit load of tasty beverages over a 4 hour period while Uncle Joe entertained us with his sense of humor. All and all we had fun. Then came the car ride home...

My grandfather is an alchoholic. Even though he rarely drinks now, he's still one. He had 2 very strong drinks during the visit. When he drinks he's either very happy... or a total beligerent asshole. Not 10 minutes from Uncle Joe's house  the asshole emerged. My mom and I still can't figure out what triggered it. My dad says it wasn't anything but the booze making my grandfather "get a big dick".  My grandfather repeatedly threatened to kick my Dad's ass and wouldn't stop yelling at him and my grandma... so my dad pulled over and told him to get the hell out of the car.... he ended up riding with my aunt.

Our family outings almost always end this way. Every time we say "never again" yet a few years later we attempt it with happy thoughts only to learn the lesson all over. I've since come to the conclusion that we are all masochists with an addiction to Holland Gouda.

Damn that was good cheese.

Current mood :shock:

So today I'm totally freakin' exhausted after working over 10 hours... I thought doing the double shift thing would not be so bad. But I was wrong. I need the hours though and the money those hours bring in.

Basicly I drive the public transit buses that haul around the handicapped and disabled people of Porkland. So I get the elderly, disabled, the mentally handicapped... you name it. Most of the people are pretty cool. I can tollerate the one guy on my bus during my morning route even though he's a screamer.  I guess I piss him off every day, because his care providers told me that he gets angry. They don't know what he gets angry about because when they ask him he  just goes silent. He's sorta non verbal.  Though I think I did hear him call me a fucker amongst the garbled yelling.

What I cannot tollerate however... is singing. And today I had to pick up this person at a university on the westide of town.  When I say westside I mean westside of the Willamette river... and if anyone is from Portland you know its not easy south of the Ross Island bridge... because there are no bridges really. Anyway I had to go to Lake No Negro and pick up this chick. She gets on the bus and immediately starts singing to the radio via headphones. I have to take this woman all the way to freakin' Troutdale which is on the east side of the Willamette river and out near the Columbia River Gorge. I'm talking a long distance here... during rush hour traffic no less. By the time I got her to the drop off in Troutdale I was so annoyed I wanted to beat hit her with the tire thumper. The only thing that kept me sane was the loud diesel engine, freeway road noise, and the lift rattling like mad over bumps... it drowned out the singing...

and what is the worst part... I can't tell what her handicap/disablement was that made her eligable to even ride the lift bus in the first place... But alas Its now after 7pm and I'm dead tired. Soon as I'm done eating my tacos... I'm going to become comatose.

I've come to the conclusion that the Universe has decided to take a royal ass dump on me this weekend. Usually when this happens it means its trying to tell you something important and you haven't been listening. So  "FLUMP" there's the shit and now you're wearing it. 

Years ago I never listened closely to the signs that I was doing stupid shit and needed to learn a lesson. In the past year I've discovered that when you are on the wrong track in your life... the universe is quick to correct you...  Usually by inflicting mental anguish. This weekend has been one of those.

Hopefully I'm right in assuming that the reason I got stood up on friday night is because that person isn't right for me. And the reason I found out today the other person I had some interest in has a girlfriend and just didn't want to tell me, was because I need to be more selective. I've been single for a freakin' year and thought I was being selective... well the Universe has decided I'm not I guess... WOOHOO Lucky me lol.

I hate crying... I hate feeling depressed. I REALLY hate feeling unattractive and undateworthy. This weekend I've felt all of the above. But ya know what? I listened and washed the universal dump off and now I'm ready to be my usual wacky self.

Now if only I could find something to keep me entertained the rest of my weekend...

... when I never actually get to go on the date. Is there something so fucking wrong with me that I always get stood up? I haven't found out the excuse yet but I'm not going to be suprised if its lame. I'm damn near 26 years old and I've yet to go on a real date. You know the kind where the guy shows up and you have great conversation (Hell I'd even take shitty conversation) and at least you got out on a friday night even if it didn't turn out how you wanted it. That would be oh so much better than sitting at home wondering if he remembered, or is flaking on you, etc etc. Don't tell me I'm hot and your "dream girl" if you just aren't interested.

People ask me why I've stayed single for so long... well THAT is the reason. If good guys really fucking exist out there... send them to Portland... make sure they like big titted tomboy girls who can suck the spots off a dalmation, and who don't play games... Cuz I sure as hell can't find anyone worthy of my affections here. 

I'm almost hoping his excuse is good... but then I'd ask myself "am I being guilable again?" So the next question would be... "should I bother giving a 2nd chance?" I don't want to be made an ass of anymore than I already have.

Yesterday I passed my cdl (commercial drivers license) driving test with flying colors. My mood was high and life was good. Until it really sunk in that I was going to have to face the horror... the agony... of DMV.

"I've been to hell I spell it... I spell it D.M.V. Everyone who's been there knows precisely what I mean. I stood there and I waited and fought back the urge to scream. And if I had my druthers, I'd screw a chimpanzee."

That song DMV by Primus goes thru my head every time I must go there. I wasn't quite annoyed enough to screw a chimp, but I was borderline homicidal.

Being unemployed for 6 months will make anyone a poor mo fo. In order to pay the $70 fee to get my cdl license I had to borrow the money. Having read the cdl manual and the page where it said $70 to get your commercial drivers license issued... I figured I was all set.

I arrive at DMV and the number currently being helped was 263. I get number 295. A normal human being with average mental capacity would assume that the number you pick makes it certain you will get called in order. This is not the case at DMV. Any fuckass can leave with their number ticket and come back later. Even if said number is 42 and was called eons before you ever arrived they don't have to wait in line. They get served right away. This also goes for spanish speaking individuals. For some reason the ability to speak english and actually waiting around for your number to be called gets you discriminated against at dmv.

I wait... and I wait... with nothing better to do than become annoyed and disgruntled and glare evily at the demon spawn that keep squealing and jumping around on the seat near me while the parents are oblivious. At this point thoughts of owning a taser and actually getting to test it on human subjects got very appealing.

My number gets called so I head up to the counter with everything I think I need. I got my wad of borrowed cash, my test scores still sealed in the envelope from the TRi-met test guy, my current license, cdl permit, and my health certificate. I even managed to smile at the woman helping me. She fucks up right off the bat, so I have to wait for another slow ass dmv guy to fix her mistake. Just as I think to myself "I'm almost done" she says she needs to collect $75. Woa wait a minute here... the offical dmv booklet states $70. So I tell her this and ask why she's charging me $75. This was clearly a mistake. I have now ruined her entire existance by asking a question she cannot answer and am now considered more lowly than pond scum or shit on a sidewalk. The only thing that kept me from using my pack as a bludgeoning device and killing her is a sticky note with her signature and a date stamp she hands me. This tiny piece of paper is my ticket out of waiting in line again. I get to be a "return" customer and get helped right away. The time is now 2:30pm. I have been up since 6am, and didn't get lunch. I am cranky.

So being as broke as I am I must now drive back to my grandparents house and look like an idiot when I ask to borrow $5 on top of the $70 I already borrowed (payday is this friday. Thank you jebus). Thank god for the world's coolest and most understanding grandparents.

Facing rush hour traffic and a parking lot jammed with cars I finally get back inside the dmv office. With my magical sticky note of power I get helped right away. I pay my money and get the paperwork to give to picture taking fuckass. He then informs me that my do-rag must be removed.  This does not make me happy.  I have no brush, so after the do-rag comes off my hair looks like total shit. I get my photo taken and head home. Its now like 4pm and my blood sugar is seriously fubar. Cranky is only a memory.

I get home and finally get a look at my license only to find out that I look like a troll without a neck and an extra chin the size of a truck bumper. Not only is my hair a total disaster, but once again (just like my cdl permit picture) the dmv shows its talent by over exposing and making my black shirt look a hideous orange color. How anyone could single handedly make me look so horrible is beyond me. In the current mental state I was in seeing that picture only sent me into a spiral of depression.

 Other events not worth mentioning only added insult to injury. Then the univer se decided to analy penetrate me and my bank account. I find out that a debit from one of the new parking meters in downtown portland posted that day of all days. Over a month after the fact. I had assumed that the parking meter debit 2 weeks ago was the one from last month, but noooo.  It was from 2 months prior. Long story short, my account got charged for 2 overdraft fees of $28. A charge on saturday that I had made thinking I had money for it to clear went thru on the same day. Badda bing badda boom... $61 in the hole. This brings me to the conclusion that yesterday was totally pointless and next time its a full moon again, I'm going to lock myself in my room and not even bother getting out of bed.

Today however, was totally uneventfull. And for that I am thankfull.

Yeah, yeah so I haven’t written a blog in like… 3 months… but I’ve been busy as hell. I basically got a job at Plaid Pantry (a convenience store chain) in Felony Flats the first of July. Of course I started hating it from day one. The guy training me was a total cock smoking bastard. My boss was cool and so was one of the other guys working there, but having cool people to work with for only 10 minutes a day doesn’t make up for the agony. The customers were almost all annoying. Crackheads of all kinds came in, along with the bums, trash, and the drunks. I got called “Fat bitch” so many times I lost count. All because I wouldn’t sell under aged punk bitches beer. The assistant manager had the brain capacity of a soggy dog turd and plumbers crack that rivaled the Grand Canyon in length… It was even worse when he actually managed to wear underwear. Or so I’m told as I didn’t get to witness the 6” long hash mark on his tighty whities… I could live my entire life without having to see that and die happy…

My slavery to the convenience store chain ended abruptly on Sunday however. I worked the graveyard shift on Saturday night… which is 10pm till whenever the manager lets you leave after he counts money. Well my shift in hell was going just fine until a dumbass decided to rob me at gunpoint. And the funny part is he didn’t actually come out and say “Gimme all the money”… no he had to tell me a sob story about how he needed $80 to get on a bus and “get the hell outta here!” 

Figuring the guy was just another rambling idiot I just stared at him blankly waiting for him to finish his story… My lack of reaction made him go further with the story. He told me that he had beat up someone and got in trouble with the police and had to go to court on Monday. He needed money to get out of the state. I told him I didn’t have any money. And he gave me a blank look. I laughed at him (Yes I really laughed at him) and asked him “Are you trying to say you’re trying to rob me?”

His reaction was yes of course. I told him that I barely had $50 in the till after 10pm. “You do realize you’re on camera right?” and I motioned to the camera pointing right at him. The dumbass actually looked at the camera and said he didn’t care. He just wanted $80 to get out of town.

“Where’s your gun?” is the next thing I asked him. Why on earth I did this I don’t know… It was stupid yeah, but he motioned to his pocket and I could tell something very heavy was pointed at me thru the fabric and it wasn’t his fingers. I stayed calm the whole time and opened the till and gave him the money that was in there… it was maybe $65 in one’s and five’s. Not exactly a payload, but this guy wasn’t smart obviously. Long story short the guy walked off with the money and I called 911… did the whole question answering thing with the police and finished my shift. It didn’t dawn on me till Sunday night that “Holy shit… I could have been shot!”… at which point I then did break down. I called in and quit… simple as that… I’ve never quit a job like that before… never just up and quit…

But I had a job interview with another place on Tuesday and got hired on the spot. So shit is looking up. It pays twice what I was making and I don’t have to deal with trashy assholes or crackheads… BONUS! And I’m leaving tomorrow morning for the Wetspot In Paradise campout… an annual gathering near Seattle of kinksters and bdsm people and everybody in between. This is my first vacation where I’ve actually gone somewhere in 5 years… and after the year I’ve had I deserve it!